Why forgiveness is optional | The Gray Area

You have to forgive people who wrong you…right?

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The world is filled with injustice and wrongdoing, and to live in the world — to not be consumed by anger — forgiveness is necessary. At least that’s what we’re told over and over again: By forgiving, we can set ourselves free.

But is there a cost to forgiveness? Are we forgiving too quickly and too often?

Today’s guest is philosopher Myisha Cherry, whose book Failures of Forgiveness critiques our cultural obsession with forgiving those who have done us wrong. She’s not against forgiveness — that would be weird — but she says we ought to be more intentional about why we do it, more aware that the expectation to practice forgiveness often lands on the most vulnerable people, and more concerned about what gets lost when we treat forgiveness as the only path to healing.

Sean and Myisha discuss the 2015 Charleston church shooting, the legacy of slavery, and the real difference between accountability, reconciliation, and simply moving on.

Host: Sean Illing (@SeanIlling)
Guest: Myisha Cherry (@myishacherry), associate professor of philosophy at the University of California Riverside, and author of Failures of Forgiveness: What We Get Wrong and How to Do Better.

This episode was made in partnership with Vox's Future Perfect team. Vox had full discretion over the content of this reporting.

If you enjoy our reporting and want to hear more from Vox journalists, sign up for our Patreon at patreon.com/vox. Each month, our members get access to exclusive videos, livestreams, ad-free podcasts and chats with our newsroom.

0:00 Intro
00:41 Idolizing forgiveness
10:30 Should you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven?
12:36 Should you have a goal in mind when you forgive someone?
15:19 Can you forgive someone and still be angry?
26:16 Anger is a way to communicate value
34:24 Forgiveness and restorative justice
42:17 How to know when to forgive
48:31 Is redemption an impediment here to political progress?
57:01 When should you forgive yourself?

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